The Heist
by Hunting For Stars
Summary: (Human AU) When Fili and Kili get sent to Erebor Academy, one of the most chaotic schools in the entire country, it seems like their lives are over. But maybe, just maybe they'll find happiness, true friendship and steal a priceless artifact in the process... Wait what? (Rule 63/Genderbend of most characters)


(Authors Note: I've been running out of inspiration for my Transformers fics, specifically Working Girl and Omega-1 Gaming. I've seen The Hobbit movies, and I really liked them. To be honest, I've wanted to do a Hobbit fic for a while now, but I had no ideas. Then when watching St Trinians with my cousin, I came up with this. It's a bit weird and a little bit of a crack-fic. Enjoy~)

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><p>It wasn't supposed to be like this. They were supposed to go to the finest school in the country and graduate with all the honours. They were supposed to go on to study in some of the most prestigious universities in the world.<p>

So why were they here? Her mother refused to look at them, staring coldly ahead of her with a glare that could pierce steel and freeze fire.

The front lawn was empty, except for a sign that read "Keep Off Your Head" and a skull jammed jauntily on a pike. There was no sign of anybody, not even the odd squirrel darting from tree to tree.

It had to be one of the most awkward car journeys they'd ever experienced. No conversation, no sound except for the steady thrum of the engine and the crunch of tires over gravel.

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><p>After an age of waiting, they reached the front steps. It was an imposing building, big granite steps leading up to a massive oak door, flanked by soaring pillars. With a heavy heart, they grabbed their bags and headed up the steps.<p>

The door was old, the handles were rusty, and it shrieked like a banshee in a washing machine when their mother pushed it open. A table shattered on the ground behind them, papers fluttering in the wind like butterflies.

What kind of place was this?

The hall was musty, and it smelled like ale. An old suit of armour stood rusting in the corner. A few fingers of light filtered through the moss-covered windows onto the dust covered floor that obviously hadn't seen a sweeping brush in several decades.

"This is so unbelievably low-rent" their mother muttered under her breath.

They walked over to a desk covered in papers and bits of string. Behind it sat a young woman, holding a pipe and trying to blow rings of smoke.

"Hello?"

The hobbit jumped up, startled. "Are you lot tax collectors?" the hobbit blurted out, panicked.

"No I'm Dís, Thorin's younger sister. These are my daughters Fili and Kili" her mother said curtly,

"Oh" The woman chuckled, "You must forgive me! My brain doesn't kick in until Tuesday when I've been out on a bender all weekend!" She smiled at them disarmingly, "I'm the school secretary Belladonna Baggins. Follow me please"

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><p>She lead them through a maze of corridors, leading them past a cabinet full of severed heads that was labelled "School Trip To Bree" There were various weapons mounted on the walls and paintings of fierce-looking women holding battle-axes. For the second time that day, Fili wondered what kind of place this was.<p>

A mental asylum disguised as a school? A reformatory school for the criminally insane and highly dangerous? A school for Justin Bieber fan-girls?

Somehow that last one seemed unlikely.

Several corridors later, they reached a door labelled "Principal's Office" Belladonna smiled again, "Well, here you are. If you need anything just ask." Dís stared her down coldly, Belladonna didn't flinch. "We're fine thank you" she said with a voice like ice.

Dís knocked on the door. "Come in!" a gruff voice shouted.

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><p>Dis pushed the door open, Fili stood there apprehensively, Kili beside her not quite sure what to do. It had been at least twenty years since they'd seen her aunt, Kili couldn't even remember what she looked like. Dís grabbed their arms and strode confidently through the door, pulling them in with her.<p>

The office, like the rest of the school, was intimidating. It was a high-ceilinged room with large windows that looked over the front lawn. The walls were a rather interesting shade of brown, and the carpet was dotted with suspicious red stains. Most intimidating of all was the woman who sat behind an old scarred desk.

She was powerfully built, with broad shoulders. She had long dark hair that fell about her shoulders in unruly waves, save for a few braids. Her eyes were like black marble.

She did not seem pleased to see them. "Hello Thorin" Dís greeted with a forced smile.

"Dís" she responded unenthusiastically. "I haven't had word from you in over twenty years" "I did send flowers" Dís said defensively. "Oh yes, a wreath for Father's funeral" Thorin retorted sharply, her voice increasing in volume.

It was only then that she seemed to notice Fili and Kili. "You must be my nieces" her voice softened slightly. She motioned them towards the chairs in front of her desk. "Sit down"

"Nice chairs" Fili murmured, "What are they made of?" Thorin grinned proudly, "Dragon skin"

It was then Fili noticed the head of a dragon mounted behind her, it's mouth open showing viciously sharp teeth. Beneath it, the name "Smaug" was engraved in neat tidy letters.

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><p>"So your mother tells me that you are joining us from Imladris Ladies College. I can't imagine why she sent you there"<p>

"I must have been a fool to be taken in by the excellent exam results and their very high teaching standards" Dís said snippily. "Well, in my experience the teachers are unbearable snobs and the girls are all twats" Thorin answered calmly. Then she looked at Fili and Kili "Don't worry girls, here pupil and teacher are on good terms" She turned back to Dís and handed her a piece of paper, "Here are the school fees"

Dís inhaled sharply as she read the ludicrously large figure "There must be some kind of mistake here.." "Our Bursar never makes mistakes about money unless it's for tax purposes" Thorin replied smoothly. "What about a...family discount?"

At this Thorin scowled, "Family discount! You stopped being family the minute you stole from Grandfather" Dís clenched her fists, "I have nothing to feel guilty about"

"You have a selective memory disguised as a clear conscience" Thorin spat "The fees are 6,000"

"2,500" Dís said obstinately. "4000, take it or leave it" Thorin wasn't about to back down. Dís sighed, "Fine, 4,000 it is"

She turned on her heel and walked out of the office and down the hall, Fili and Kili following her closely.

"Mother you can't leave us here!" Fili blurted out "It's like an insane asylum!" "And it smells weird" Kili added, intent on having the last word.

Their mother chuckled, but it sounded hollow, "Don't be ridiculous, it will be half-term before you know it. Goodbye darlings" with that she opened the great oak door and left, leaving Fili and Kili to stand there and wonder what they were supposed to do now.


End file.
